The Importance of Being Present

The Importance of Being Present

This is intended for parents, educators, professionals, and anyone who works with our most treasured resource – children.  I am a Marriage and Family Therapist, and have a special focus on working with children and parents.  I am also a parent of four.  I like to write, and sometimes find that I best express myself through writing.  I read somewhere that professionally it’s good to “give it away.”  This is my attempt to give away some of the insights that I’ve gleaned as a therapist and a parent.

In this first entry I will attempt to shed some light on the meaning and importance of being present and attuned with our children.  These are terms used often in therapy, and are useful, but can also feel squishy and vague.  I will try to make them less squishy.    

One of the modalities that I use in my work with children that to me embodies being present and attuned, is Experiential Play Therapy.  For me it is special, fascinating and mysterious in that I go into the session not knowing what is going to happen.  I need to be fully present and attuned, to let go and see what the child does, says, and feels.  This attunement binds our relationship, which in turn leads to its therapeutic value in the child’s ability to then engage with and work through their issues with a trusted companion.   

As a parent, when I am able to be fully present with my own kids (which certainly isn’t all the time I must admit), I find the experience to often be equally interesting and fulfilling.  I listen, challenge, coax, wonder…  My kids think, feel, push back, and inform me of who they really are.  We are in relationship, and that allows for us to be present to each other in the moment, through the good feelings and the difficult.  Within the relationship, teaching can happen, my kids can feel understood, validated, important.     

Sounds great, huh?  So why doesn’t this happen all the time?  Probably many reasons, but one biggie is that we get “triggered” as parents, and this can remove us from the present.  Being triggered is normal, but we need to be aware of our triggers, whether as parent or therapist. When we are triggered our emotions hijack our brains and we become reactive.  This can happen when kids say or do things that make us feel afraid or anxious, and we may get angry or controlling.  We become less attuned to not only our children, but to ourselves.  The feelings are uncomfortable.  Our reactivity is an attempt to “regulate” our feelings, but it usually has the opposite effect, and we get stuck in bad parenting moments.  Examples of triggering thoughts are “I need to be in control,” “My child is going to end up unable to function in life,” “My child is going to hate me if I follow through with a difficult consequence”…    

Being in the present doesn’t mean denying these thoughts or avoiding the difficult feelings, it means being connected to and aware of them.  It’s important to tune in to the feelings and to see how they might inform us.  We need to slow down our reactions enough so that the feelings and scary thoughts are not driving the bus, so to speak.  Once slowed down, we might ask ourselves, “What’s happening for me?”  “What am I afraid of?”  “Where is the feeling coming from?”  If our fears are brought up to a conscious level, we have a much better chance of managing our reactions to them and staying present with our children.    

There is no book that can detail what to do as a parent in all situations.  That’s why there are so many books, most with very valid things to say.  Parenting is fluid.  One moment we may be disciplinarian, another confidant, another teacher, another listener…  We might even get righteously angry.  Being present to our internal experience allows us to use our creativity and toggle between many forms and expressions of ourselves in a conscious manner.

In Experiential Play Therapy, it’s amazing what kids can accomplish given the right opportunity and therapeutic environment.  Its effectiveness is more about the process than about me, which in a good way makes my ego take a back seat.  I think this translates to parenting – we are there to be in a process with our kids, to be engaged, present, and relational, and then good things tend to happen.  Being present allows us to enjoy the ride.  Well, not always, but at least we will be on the right ride. 

Pay special attention to when you get stuck, or “triggered”, and see if you can see what it’s about.  You may find it interesting.  And be open to considering your family of origin - how you were parented imperfectly, and continued growth that can still happen for you as you uncover the sources of your triggers.   

One final word – there are many things in our lives, and our culture, that get in the way of being present.  Technology, work and finances, addictions, streaming shows where you can watch a whole season of a series in a few days (yes, I’ve run into that one), sports, etc.  You probably have a good idea of which ones impact you and your family.  It can take a conscious effort to not allow them to take over, and to use them as appropriate diversions versus avoidance of the inherent difficulty of being present. 

Good luck and let your presence be a present to your children.  Too cheesy?