Parents and Sports

I was thinking about the over the top sports parent.  Before having kids that played sports, I couldn’t wrap my mind around how a parent could get so into their kid’s games that they lose control of themselves.  We’ve all heard extreme stories of parents getting into fights with opposing team’s parents, or with umpires or referees.  But this sports craziness takes lesser, more subtle forms as well, and I feel like I can now at least understand where some of this may come from.  Being a somewhat reserved type, I would be too embarrassed to make any kind of a scene at a game, but internally, I can tap into a little of my own sports craziness.

I was talking with a friend the other day by phone and, while laughing at himself, told me “I was just at Billy’s soccer game and I think he may not be as good as I thought he was!  He looked kind of ordinary out there.”  This was said with a sense of desperation, and carried with it disbelief at how it was affecting him.  We talked it through and I was able to reassure him that maybe his son had just had a bad day, and that maybe he actually would be the next Lionel Messi after all.  Or if he wasn’t, he at least had his youngest child for whom to hold out some hope.  This was all tongue in cheek, but with the not too proud understanding that some of the feelings were actually real.  But why?  We both consider ourselves fairly intelligent people that “get it” and have enough going on in our lives without needing our kids to perform for us.

Here’s what I think.  Watching our kids perform well, whether it’s through sports, debate, science fairs, chess club or theater, gives us a good feeling.  I’m guessing that brain science could show certain parts of the brain lighting up when we watch our kids excel.  We feel empowered, stand a little taller, engage more readily with others and have a little swagger to us.  It’s very silly, but it happens.  We identify with our kids, and feel like their performance is a reflection of us.

So what to do about this?  The important thing is to be aware of it, how it happens to you, what form it takes, how it feels inside.  In the business this is called “mindfulness.”  If you’re mindful of it, it’s less likely to leave you doing or saying things that will lead to your kid’s, and your own, embarrassment.  Also, realize that you don’t actually need your kids to perform well, you just want them to.  When they don’t, pay special attention to your own state, and notice that your love from them doesn’t fluctuate.  You actually may notice that you are even more aware of your love for your child when they don’t perform well.  The high we feel when our kid is the star is really about us, not about them, so we may be even less present to our real love for them, and more tuned into getting our own wants met.  I must say, I recall feeling the purest feeling of love for my child when he was running a cross country race and was almost in last place, but he kept going and trying and it brought tears to my eyes.

But, being fully, embarrassingly human, I have also had the crazy, selfish feelings around my kid being the star and being fully loaded with the rush of well-being endorphins.  I’m just more subtle about it than the over the top, crazed parent.  I act really humble and like I don’t really care one way or the other.  I guess it’s good to be self-aware, and a good actor.