Parents and Sports
I was thinking about the over the top sports parent. Before having kids that played sports, I
couldn’t wrap my mind around how a parent could get so into their kid’s games
that they lose control of themselves.
We’ve all heard extreme stories of parents getting into fights with
opposing team’s parents, or with umpires or referees. But this sports craziness takes lesser, more
subtle forms as well, and I feel like I can now at least understand where some
of this may come from. Being a somewhat
reserved type, I would be too embarrassed to make any kind of a scene at a
game, but internally, I can tap into a little of my own sports craziness.
I was talking with a friend the other day by phone and,
while laughing at himself, told me “I was just at Billy’s soccer game and I
think he may not be as good as I thought he was! He looked kind of ordinary out there.” This was said with a sense of desperation,
and carried with it disbelief at how it was affecting him. We talked it through and I was able to
reassure him that maybe his son had just had a bad day, and that maybe he
actually would be the next Lionel Messi after all. Or if he wasn’t, he at least had his youngest
child for whom to hold out some hope.
This was all tongue in cheek, but with the not too proud understanding
that some of the feelings were actually real.
But why? We both consider
ourselves fairly intelligent people that “get it” and have enough going on in
our lives without needing our kids to perform for us.
Here’s what I think.
Watching our kids perform well, whether it’s through sports, debate,
science fairs, chess club or theater, gives us a good feeling. I’m guessing that brain science could show certain
parts of the brain lighting up when we watch our kids excel. We feel empowered, stand a little taller, engage
more readily with others and have a little swagger to us. It’s very silly, but it happens. We identify with our kids, and feel like
their performance is a reflection of us.
So what to do about this?
The important thing is to be aware of it, how it happens to you, what
form it takes, how it feels inside. In
the business this is called “mindfulness.”
If you’re mindful of it, it’s less likely to leave you doing or saying
things that will lead to your kid’s, and your own, embarrassment. Also, realize that you don’t actually need your kids to perform well, you just
want them to. When they don’t, pay
special attention to your own state, and notice that your love from them
doesn’t fluctuate. You actually may notice
that you are even more aware of your love for your child when they don’t
perform well. The high we feel when our
kid is the star is really about us, not about them, so we may be even less
present to our real love for them, and more tuned into getting our own wants
met. I must say, I recall feeling the
purest feeling of love for my child when he was running a cross country race
and was almost in last place, but he kept going and trying and it brought tears
to my eyes.
But, being fully, embarrassingly human, I have also had the
crazy, selfish feelings around my kid being the star and being fully loaded
with the rush of well-being endorphins.
I’m just more subtle about it than the over the top, crazed parent. I act really humble and like I don’t really
care one way or the other. I guess it’s good
to be self-aware, and a good actor.